May 4, 2007
Me And Robert Are Back Together!!! I'm so happy. I got to spend the day with him! I've missed him so much. I enjoyed every moment. I asked him before we left, "where are we?" And he said either we go back to where we were or we can start all over! I told him that I wanted to go back to what we were. So I'm engaged again. I'm back to my happy self again. And I'll stay that way unless people keep telling me that I don't need him and that I can do better. I love him, and if you can't see that, then you can all go suck a donkey dick. I love him, I'm happy, and he treats me like a goddess. So, what's the big deal? Do people not want me to be happy? I don't get it… he got all happy when I told him that I wanted to go back to the way things were, he practically jumped up and down… lol… I know he loves me! I'm glad I have him back! Other great news… I'm not going to get sent off anywhere. I'll be around here all summer, b/c my mom didn't sign the papers. I did however find out that I'll be taking 3 different medications for that, and 2 for my eyes (I went to the doctor) so I'm gonna be a little druggy!! Lol… well, I think I'm gonna go and see who's online, so l*8*r peoples…!!!

Current Mood: happy

May 2, 2007

I guess Robert's never gonna call me… Still sucks ass!!! Lees doesn't talk to me when he's around Jessica and that annoys me! I thought that she was so obsessed with him, but it seems as if he's more obsessed with her. I like this guy that rides my bus, he goes to the high school, his name is Michael. I think he is cute! But I have no chance, so I'm not getting my hopes up! Well, nothing new, L*8*r

Current Mood: envious

 

4/30

Robert called me last night and he asked me back out, I couldn't tell him yes right off the bat, so I told him that I didn't know. He said, "will you think about it and tell me tomorrow, sleep on it?" and I told him that I would. Well, I have been thinking all day about what I was going to tell him and I have decided… I am going to tell him yes. This will be his third and final chance, and I don't care how much I love him, if he fucks it up this time, then there will never again be an "us"! I don't know when he's going to call, or when/if I'm even gonna get to see him. But I love him and I want to be with him. He told me that he wanted to be with me and I know that I want to be with him, and spend the rest of my life with him, like we planned before. He's everything to me and the past 2 weeks have been a living hell for me b/c he wasn't there. I'm so glad that this is happening. I want to be with him and he says that he wants to be with me and I hope that is true… Looks like my life is back on track and I think that my mom isn't going to sign those papers! I think I may have talked her out of it… I'm so happy!! Things are finally looking up!!!!!! I still don't know if Lee is going to have to move, but I hope he doesn't! Jessica is being a little emo bitch, and she had him all pissed off today! I so wish he would see that she makes him feel bad for her and makes him feel guilty so he wont break up with her. She is so obsessed with him that it's actually scary! But yea, I'm bored and I think I'm going to go! I've got things to do and people to talk to, so L*8*r

5/1

Well, guess what! He never called me that I know of, but who knows, b/c I was online basically all day yesterday. I don't know what's going on with everyone at school, but I'm beginning not to give a fuck. My mom isn't going to sign the papers, or so she says, I'm not sure though!!! Well, things are actually looking up little by little. I'm hoping that things keep getting better! I have to get depression meds. And meds. For my eyes when I go to the doctor on Friday. Yay me!!! Lol. I'm just glad that something's are going better for me now. Well, I'll write again tomorrow. L*8*r…

Current Mood: ditzy

April 29, 2007

Nothing much going on. My dad is in a pissed mood and has been since yesterday. I've been screamed and cussed at several times, reduced to tears once or twice. We almost got into a wreck today b/c of his stupidness and his desire to act childish. He was going 100 mph down the freeway on the way home. Screaming and cussing most of the way. But I'm home and feel safer for now. I'll being going to the doctor and psychiatrist on Friday instead of Monday. They had to reschedule! I'm kind of thankful. I still haven't heard from Lee and I'm beyond worried, I know he was online when I commented him the other day, yet I got no reply and he has deleted the comment. I still haven't talked to or seen Robert again. {I still don't expect to} Cassandra is getting into some stuff that she doesn't need to (a few types of drugs and shit like that) get into. I'm worried about her. Jessica G. has been acting weird and ignoring me. I don't know why, I haven't done anything. Shea came over Friday and spent the night. Katt's called a few times. Brandi has called a few times. Other than that, nothing, NOTHING at all!!! I'm fucking bored and I am driving myself insane!

Current Mood: sick

April 28, 2007
Well, good news, I'm not pregnant! More good news, I don't have to go see Mr. Williams or the doctor on Monday, but I do have to go next Friday! Shea came over last night to spend the night and she left this morning. I'm bored and I want to hear from Robert again, but I haven't. I didn't' expect to, but I'd love to hear his voice about now! I miss him so much and I {still} love him more than you could imagine! I heard from Cassandra the other night and I miss her! I don't get to talk to her at all lately! I'm dreading the 1^st month of summer if they go through with what they are planning! My mom is ashamed that this is going on. And the other day when I was telling one of my friends about it, she started bitching and getting all mad and telling me that I better not tell anyone else and that the person that I told better not open her mouth. But little does she know that I'm telling all of you every little detail lately! Lee isn't talking to me, he's ignoring me! I sent him a message and I commented him a day or so ago. And I found out that he deleted my comment today. I don't know what's going on, and I'd really like to know! Anyway, I guess that's it, well ill write l8r…

Current Mood: lonely

April 26, 2007
Well, not too much to tell! I haven't talked to him since the last time I said I did. I'm still depressed, and I want to see or hear from him, it's only been a week and 5 days, but it feels like a month! This is killing me! I don't know for sure if Lee is going to move or not, b/c I haven't got a reply from him yet! Cassandra obviously isn't coming back anytime soon, and as soon as summer starts, I'll be in rehab for 2 months. Mr. Williams accused me of being on drugs!!!! Well, I guess I'll be going to rehab (the crazy house) for a month or so, or whenever he feels like signing the papers to let me out!! This majorly sucks ass! I don't know what I ever did to deserve this shit!! You know what… fuck you Mr. Williams!!!! FUCK YOU! Well, that's all for now, so I'll write l8r………

Current Mood: blah

April 24, 2007
I was bored last night doing Spanish work, when I decided to text Robert with something random… my text said, "Tu tener quebrado mi corazon pero yo tranquilo amar tu con todo lo pequeno pedazos! {You broke my heart but I still love you with all the little pieces!} Did or do you still love me or am I just wasting my time waiting for someone who will never return the feelings? Please let me know" And I went to bed, well I wake up this morning to find that he replied to me and it said, "no you are not wasting your time waiting on me" so I still refuse to let go for now! I think that there's still a chance for us to make it work, b/c if he loves me the way that I love him, then we're set for life! I still have the rings that he gave me and he hasn't asked for them back, so I still think that there is hope (at least somewhat…) ~Anyway~ more bad news, my best friend is having a lot of problems, and there is a possibility that he may have to move away, I hope and pray that's not true, b/c I don't want to lose someone else that I care about majorly! That would drive me even crazier. He doesn't know that and I hope that he doesn't find that out. This "friend" that I'm talking about is one of my ex's {I guess you could call him that} I've liked him since about a week after I first met him, but he doesn't know this. I liked him so much, that when I had an opportunity to date him I dumped my fiancée where I could be with him, and just my luck, it didn't really last but like a day maybe you could call it 2 at the most. But I still care for him a lot and he's one of my best friends, he's helped me through a lot and I don't know what I'd do without him! I know that he cares for me in a friend way, and I don't believe that he ever really "liked" me, but I mean who would? I thought he did, but I guess I was WRONG! (Obviously) That's another reason why I really believe in Robert, b/c when I was around him or just talking to him, he made me feel special, like I was the only person around and that he'd never let anything bad happen. I don't know if he loves me like I do him, but I know he cares and he cares a lot! I hope everything works out in the end!!

Current Mood: curious

April 23, 2007

I talked to Robert last night and I am now officially relieved, just b/c I know that he's okay! He's homeless at this time and it's really rough for him!! He said that he wont be able to talk a lot, b/c he doesn't have much money on his phone and he's going to be working constantly until like October and he hopes he'll be back on his feet and better than ever. He said that he'll probably come and see me on my birthday, but I don't really see that happening. I know that I love him and I thought that he loved me, but I'm not sure about what he is feeling or thinking! His family has disowned him, he hardly has enough money for food, he has no where to live and he refuses to let anyone help him, he says that he has to get back on his feet by himself! I just can't handle this though. I want to help him so much that it hurts me inside to know that I can't. If you love someone and you want to help him or her, but they won't let you, it really hurts! I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks and feels that way, but oh fucking well! I was supposed to get signed out today and go to the doctor and my psychiatrist, but my mom never came to get me, so they rescheduled and I am supposed to go in next Monday, so I wont be at school! Mr. Williams still thinks that I'm mental and that I need to go to a rehab place to be able to protect myself and the others around me. I'm not fucking insane people!!! I'm just depressed, so guess what Mr. Williams… FUCK OFF!!!!! I have enough to worry about without you on my fucking back!! Well, I'll write everyday or every other day to update and let you know what the fuck is going on, so either subscribe or keep looking for new blogs!! L*8*r!

Current Mood: ecstatic

April 22, 2007
 

Today has been shitty! Me and my mom have gotten into it about a million times and my dad's in a pissed mood, Robert sent me a text earlier and it said, "fuck you bitch I'm high!" I knew that it had to have been something that I said or did to piss him off, b/c he has no reason to be like this towards me. I so don't fucking understand this. I called him after he sent me that and he ignored my call (I'm not surprised) so I left a message saying, "why are we doing this? What's going on? Why did you lie to me? I'm not mad, I'm just hurt, again. Please call me b/c we really need to talk!" and I called a few minutes later to see if he turned his phone off like I thought he would and he did. He's being such an ass and I don't know why. My mom thinks that every time I have guy problems that it has something to do with Katt, but I don't believe that. B/c that I know of they haven't talked in like forever, but you never know… she's done me that way b4 but I can't see her doing it again, and especially not this soon after the last time it happened! I can't wait till all this shit is over with. I'm getting signed out tomorrow during 2^nd block (at least I'm supposed to) to go to an "emergency session" with my psychiatrist! Which is going to suck! Like I said before, he thinks I'm mental and suicidal, so why the hell do I want to tell him what's going through my mind? So he can send me off to some CRAZY HOUSE! I'm not mental!!!!!!!!! But I guess it's easier to just give in if people think that… and with all this shit going on a crazy house sounds like a vacation! I may do something and let them send me off!! Anything is better than dealing with this fucked up, worthless, lonely, mess of what you'd call a life! It's been told that people can only handle so much b4 they get to that breaking point, and I think I'm getting close. The past 4 months (since January) have been hard on me and it's getting worse day by day! I want to move on leave this all behind and get the fuck away from everyone that has hurt me! Here are just a few examples as to what I've been through since the beginning of this year!!!

1} Jan. 1^st Jessica a girl that I really liked broke up with me!

2} Feb. 17^th I got engaged to Robert!

3} Mar. 13^th broke up with Robert!

4} Mar. 14^th started dating Lee!

5} 16^th Lee breaks up with me!

6} Apr. 11^th Robert comes over and mom catches him here and threatens to call the law!

7} Apr. 14^th ROBERT BREAKS UP WITH ME!!!!!!

8} Going through a living hell with the whole Robert thing! Crying and wishing that I could die!!

And guess what that's only the beginning of all the drama and bullshit that's happening! I'm just so sick of everything! I want everything to end, be done, over with! Just fucking disappear!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: cynical

April 21, 2007

I'm sick of living… I wish I was dead, I can't handle all this shit anymore… all the pain and the suffering, the love and the hate, the anger and the agony… I've been called mental, suicidal, and a danger to myself and others… I can't go anywhere nor do anything… I have to be constantly watched… no matter what, b/c they are afraid that if I'm alone for one second that I'll fucking kill myself… I've lost the one person that meant everything to me… he just fucking left… I don't understand why! It must have been something that I had done, b/c other than that we "seemed" to be a happy couple. We go to where we hardly ever argued and when he came over we'd lay there in each others arms and talk, and enjoy being with each other… it was a great feeling there in his arms! I never felt safer, happier, more at ease/peace… I miss him so much more than you could imagine… I feel like my life no longer has a meaning! That I am useless, un-cared for, and would never be missed if something were to happen to me! No one would notice, b/c no one ever really pays attention. There's only one person that really knows how I feel right now and that's one of my best friends {Lee} and other than that no one gives a flying fuck what happens! So what if I'm mental, there's no one to blame but myself… I was the one who chose the path that I've walked. There's no one that told me what to do or how to do it, where to go, what to say, how or what to think… I brought this upon myself! I would have done anything for Robert, and the depressing thing id that if he came back to me I'd take him back in a heartbeat, b/c I still love him and I'd still do whatever I could to make him happy! I don't know why I am like this but I am… and it depresses me to know that even after all the shit I've been through with him that I'd have no problem with taking him back the moment he asked! I still don't know why I would even want him around again, but I can't help but to cry every moment that I think and remember that he's no longer mine! And I even stop and think was he ever really mine to begin with? Did he ever really care? My fairy-tale ending will never some true… I'll never get married, have kids, etc… B/c the fact that no one will have me. And I don't really blame them… I mean look at me I am horrible! I don't even know what he saw in me… did all he ever want was sex from me? Well, I hope he knows that with every action there's a consequence, and there is a very good chance that I might be pregnant! I'm not saying its true, b/c I don't know yet! But this wouldn't be the 1^st time… there was once before that I got pregnant, but I had a miscarriage! It was fucking tragic for me… and now, after losing him, I might be pregnant again… I don't know what to do… I'm so lost and confused and I need major help! I don't feel like living on this earth anymore. All I feel like doing is crawling up in a ball in a corner some where and just crying until everything goes away! My psychiatrist said that I needed to be in a mental home and I'm starting to agree, so if something happens and I'm not on here for a very long time, then you know where I am and what happened! I love you all and everyone who gave a damn and who took the time to read this I thank you! I don't have many friends and I'm not what you call popular, but that doesn't matter to me! I have people who care, more than I imagined I guess… And if something were to happen I want to apologize ahead of time… and say that I love you and thanks for being a friend or someone who acted like they cared…

Current Mood: depressed